I took a deep breath in as my arms tingled beneath the long sleeves of my dress. My black hair fell around me in waves as two men dragged me down the ornate hall.
“What have you done with my brother?” I demanded, trying to look behind me for Sayf.
“You are the bride of the king now! He will be given all the riches he could desire.” The man on my right laughed, baring his yellow teeth.
“I do not wish to be the bride of any man!” I jerked, attempting to free myself without pushing the sleeves of my dress up.
The taller man scoffed. “Foolish woman, you know not what you want.”
White-hot anger rushed through me. Taking a steadying breath, I focused on the soft pulsing of my heart, tuning out the world around me.
Suddenly, I was shoved through a doorway, breaking me out of my reverie. The heavy wooden door slammed shut behind me, and I flinched.
The room I was taken to was beautiful. The back wall was composed of seven archways that led out onto an open air balcony. I wonder how high off the ground we are.
Under the middle arch was the king. He was dressed in fine purple silk robes as he sprawled out lazily in his ornate chair.
A long red carpet led from under my feet up to him.
“They tell me you are called Amira,” he spoke, his voice full of ash and lecher. I shuddered, pressing my back against the door. “Do not be afraid, I shall treat you well.”
“I am humbled by your offer,” the words sounded false even to me, “but I’m afraid I must decline.”
His eyes narrowed. “You can’t refuse a royal decree. I have bought you from your brother. You will become my forty-third concubine.” The king rose from his chair.
Even from here I could see the indignation painted across his face.
I need to get free. I twisted my hands in the bindings, trying to slip a hand out.
“Submit to me, Amira.”
“Never.” I kept my eyes trained on him as he stalked closer.
“You will do as I command!” Rage coursed through him as I finally managed to free my left arm.
“No! You will stop there if you value your head.” My words were absolute and chilling as I slid my thumb under my sleeve, tracing the hidden patterns that danced across my skin.
For a moment, he froze in shock before regaining his composure. “You stupid bi—”
“Zeev!” I called, letting my emotions flow through me.
The room suddenly grew darker as the air turned to ice.
“Wh-what?” the king sputtered. “What are you?”
“You shall pay for your sins, my king,” I mocked. I glanced just over his right shoulder.
“You witch!” His eyes burned angrily as he stepped forward.
“You’re right for a change.” I pushed my sleeves up, displaying the swirls of colorful ink that covered them. “I thought I told you not to move any closer.”
“I—” he began, but a snarl behind him cut him off. His eyes widened, terrified.
“Did you know that witches have familiars?” I asked as I traced a specific sigil on the inside of my left wrist. “Zeev is sworn to protect me against any harm that should befall me.”
The king turned slowly only to see the gray wolf lurking behind him. “N-no…”
I slid my fingers over a spot of black ink on my right shoulder. “You will pay for the heinous crimes you have committed against women and your own people.”
“No!” he screamed as Zeev leaped forward, knocking him to the ground. Her teeth clenched around his throat, but I paused.
“Make it look like an accident,” I commanded as I muttered a few words in prayer.
Zeev released the king, but not before one of her teeth broke skin, leaving a tiny sliver of blood on his neck.
“You will be dead before the sun sets,” I promised as I stepped over his shocked frame on the way to the terrace. I ran my fingers through Zeev’s hair, scratching fondly behind her ear. “If you release all of your concubines, it won’t be agonizing.”
“It shall be done! Anythi—”
“No amount of begging will save you. Your judgment day has come.” I didn’t bother looking back before I leaped out of the window.
Author's Note: I had a really fun time coming up with and writing this idea. In the original story, Abraham tries to smuggle his wife, Sarah, into the country, but the king finds her and is enraptured by her beauty. They lie about being siblings but pray fervently to be saved. The result of their prayers is this spirit-like thing that tortments the king when he tries to get close to Sarah. He lets her go free, and she rejoins her husband.
In my story, I decided to actually make them siblings and to switch their names some. I swapped their starting letters and then tried to pick Arabic names that suited them. I have been reading a lot of stories with magical tattoos lately, so that is how I made Amira control Zeev. I changed Zeev into an actual wolf and made the king pay for his sins.
Bibliography: "The Higgledy-Piggledy Palace" by Gertrude Landa.
Image Information: "Arabian Wolf in Jordan" by Ahmad Qarmish.
When I reached the end of this story, I wondered what happened to Amira's brother, as it seemed like the story got wrapped up in the climax before it could answer this question. I also wonder why Amira couldn't free herself before she was taken to the king, seeing as she could summon a fearsome wolf with her words.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your expressive adjectives for characterization and scenery, and the twist of Amira being a witch attracts me. With a little more build-up and details filled in, this could be even better! Great story!
Ellie,
ReplyDeleteWow: I really enjoyed reading this entire story. The way you described Amira as she is being introduced to the King. Even though it’s a short story, I felt that all of the characters were brought to life due to your descriptions. Also, the dialogue between the King and Amira allowed a good pace to the story because it was not a bunch of long paragraphs.
I wonder: I wonder what the origin is behind the ability for Amira to call on a gray wolf. Also, I wondered what happened to her brother after she killed the king. Did he know that the king was evil like his sister did, or did was he just too greedy and wanted to have money?
What if: What if Amira was able to transform into a wolf instead of just summoning one. What if you told a story that involved the origin of Amira’s powers and how she got to where she was in this story. Overall though, I thought this was an excellent story and I wouldn’t change much at all!
Wow, what an interesting take on this story. I would have never thought to introduce magic into a story like this one. I like how you kept the more important details of the story intact when you modified how those details manifested in the story. For example, changing the great pain the king suffered into a wolf was a fun alteration.
ReplyDeleteSomething I wondered the whole time was how she was kidnapped in the first place if she so easily defeated the king. Was the fact that she was a witch something she wished to conceal until it was a life-or-death situation?
Now that I've read a retelling of this story from a couple of different people, I am curious to know how it would play out if the two were actually brother and sister, and they said they were spouses in the hopes the King would recognize it and not intervene. Would the King instead maybe try to kidnap (and kill) the male so that the woman would then be "single"? Regardless, you did an amazing job of really making this story your own.
I was actually looking through blogs to find a story to comment on for the feedback strategies assignment, but I just got caught up in your story and I'm speechless. I just had to figure out how you were such a good writer and through your introduction it's because you just are and it's your major haha!
ReplyDeleteI love how you utilized what you were currently reading about the magical tattoos, into your story. I remember watching Charmed or some show that involved having a familiar and I thought that that was really neat that you changed it into that as well.
I don't know a lot about this story but you did really well revamping it into your own!
The whole beginning of Amira expressing her anger made me want to finish this story and I was interested in what would become of this woman at the end of the tale. A lot of women in the stories did not display anger, so it was refreshing to read about a woman who could stand up for herself while keeping a cool head (while being badass at the same time). When you mentioned Amira keeping her sleeves down, I felt you were foreshadowing something and when it revealed itself as magical tattoos I was squealing with excitement.
ReplyDeleteI think the Arabic names suits the atmosphere you created, however, the jargon for 'familiars' made my mind think of Europe for a moment. Maybe if the term was spirit or guardian was used it would have fit the desert and Arabic theme.There was a moment where I did not understand why she was being captured and ordered to marry the king, but I speculated it was because she was beautiful. I was also concerned when the story ended and Amira was not reunited wither brother. Does this mean he’s in the dungeons or did he escape? Is he a witch? Despite the last sentence having great dramatic flair, I would have liked to have known if the brother survived.
At the end of the story, I thought ‘what if the king had known she was a witch and wanted to use her powers for his evil bidding’. I also wondered what would have happened if she took control of his kingdom, but I think her escaping was a great ending. If you could write more for this story, how would you continue Amira’s story?
Again, amazing job. Your writing always captivates me and I so enjoy reading your stories. This again was such a unique take on a biblical story. I like the way you create such suspense in your story. It also makes me want to learn more, like how did Amira get her powers, and did she always have Zeev. I like how she was unwilling to use her powers until absolutely necessary, and when she was sure she would be able to exact vengeance on the king. I really like this story and I'm glad you wrote it.
ReplyDeleteI never would’ve thought to do anything with Sarah’s story, so I love how you not only saw the potential in it, but turned it into a rad supernatural story. The dynamic between Amara and Zeev is really cool, and this little glimpse of it makes me curious about their backstory and the nature of their bond, so job well done. The idea of Amara not truly being captured, but allowing herself to be taken in so she can take down the king from within, is also loads of fun. I also like how that line at the end—the king’s judgment day coming—ties back to the biblical themes without being enslaved to them at the expense of the story here. Nice one!
ReplyDeleteWhat a great story Ellie! This is the type of writing that I would expect from published books in the book store (which I would definitely buy to read the entire thing). Your writing style is professional and well spoken (if you can describe writing that way?). The author's note really provided a great sense of your point of view and that added to the story after I finished. Letting Amira have the power to control Zeev was an awesome twist. I would only suggest that you add some of the paragraphs without dialogue together. I think that would give the reading sporadic flows throughout. Overall one of my favorite stroies!
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