Wow! You did really good at setting up your story. I like how you begin straight away with your protagonist finding herself or himself in the forest (I'd actually like to know if it is a female or male, so you could make that more clear). I have so many questions, which I am sure will be answered as you go through your storybook. I also have a few comments as I read through the story. I'm not sure what you mean when you say "what months ago" in the fifth paragraph. Perhaps this is just a typo? Does the phone not tell the date? I'm wondering what year this is supposed to be, since you mention a flip phone. This is meant to be set in Japan, so you could make that more clear early on. I really like how you made it clear that this is abnormal and that wolves do not belong here. It adds to the mystery of the whole situation. "I mean no harm" sounds a little too old fashioned for someone who also uses "nope." I would consider making it more natural and modern. Very cool making the wolf talk, as this adds to the mysterious element. It makes me wonder if this is not only set in the past but also in a supernatural kind of world where animals talk normally. I like how you brought in Japanese terms for your story. My only problem is is that I am unfamiliar with these terms and so it makes the story a little confusing when you bring up terms suddenly. You created really good suspense and you made me want to finish reading it. All in all, this is a really good introduction. It sets up the story nicely so that you can go on telling your story. I am curious to see where you go with this story and how you incorporate myths and folklores that we have read. I am assuming you are taking from Japanese myths, so I wonder what stories you are using to help create your story. I'm excited to see what you come up with!
You did a great job at your story and really hooking the readers onto it right from the beginning. So it seems like this girl traveled back into the past somehow without realizing it. I just wonder how she managed to do that. You will obviously talk about that in your stories that you add on here in the future, I am just very curious about it. I am also very curious to see where this goes next. Does she stay there a while? Does she figure out how she got back? Does she ever manage to go back to her own time? How were the wolves able to talk to her like that? Who was the guy at the shrine? I was able to follow your story really well other than some of the words you used that I was not able to understand. I am really looking forward to what you do next with these myths and how this story goes ahead, well back in time for this one.
Ooh, nice way to end it! I was interested from the very beginning and I was especially curious as to how the main character ended up in that situation. I do wonder why they couldn't see anything on their phone though except the battery life. It was nice knowing the character's thoughts because I could relate with the confusion. The Japanese words do throw me off though, since I don't know most of them-- so I was wondering if you were able to translate it or maybe add footnotes at the end so the readers can know?
I liked the ending! I'm not usually interested in stories where the character somehow gets thrown back in time, but the ending definitely made me intrigued.
"Adrenalin surged through my veins as I took two steps at a time, praying fervently for the safety of the shrine."
Ellie, terrific job of setting up your introduction! From the writing of your story i'm going to guess that this is a master, suspense, and/or thriller?? Either way, your build up is genius! In particular, I like how you don't give away too many details, but keep the reader wanting to read more in order to get all the juicy details. One thing that I could use the context clues in order to find out was the meaning of the Japanese words that you used. They were Japanese words correct? I don't know if you meant to write your story this way, but if you didn't then some translations would be bueno. Lol Other than that, I like how your story went from the protagonist waking up lost to not knowing where they are to having traveled back in time. You definitely left your story open to multiple interpretations and I think that's great, because it gives you so many options to explore with your future stories!
Ellie, I really enjoyed reading your introduction! I thought you did an excellent job allowing the reader to understand the thoughts of the main character as she tried to make it back home. The introduction was really suspenseful and hooked the reader immediately. I think it is interesting that you had the wolf talk. I guess it means that this man is somewhat powerful in terms of magical powers or something of that nature. I could really tell that you did some research involving Japanese culture. In terms of layout, I thought you did an excellent job choosing the images on your website. They really allowed me to picture where she was and it helped describe the setting of the story. Also, I liked how you played off of Of Monsters and Men when naming your Storybook. They are a great band! The only thing I would suggest is to maybe have a definition box at the bottom because I struggled knowing what all the Japanese items were. Just a thought! Overall, I thought you did a great job and I look forward to reading more of your storybook later this semester.
When I read your blurb, I immediately thought of the Spirited Away film by Hayao Miyasaki, the Outlander book/series by Diana Gabaldon and the Inuyasha manga/series by Rumiko Takahashi – basically a girl out of her time. I was excited to read your story just by your blurb!
I think you have a great idea and I like where you are taking the story. I am really interested how this modern girl is going to survive in this historic world.
I am going to state I do not like first person point of view and I think that is my only issue with the story. I personally find it hard to write in it and I believe it is hard for readers to relate to the actions of the characters. I know Laura will make a note of the comma splices in your story because she did the same with me. But how I used the comma splices were for writing style reasons – I think it is the same for you as well.
I laughed when the character said Shouganai - I did not know what it meant, but I assumed it was a curse word by how the character used it. I also noticed how you did not provide translations for the Japanese words, so I would provide a key at the bottom of the page telling the readers what specific words meant because not everyone is going to know about torii arches or Komainu,
I am interested on why the wolf can speak and why he was so protective of the shrine.
I am in love with the description of how the man’s eyes tightened, that imagery was great! I know how you were going to provide a surprise ending, but I do not think it was as smooth as it could be; however, I do think you are going in the right direction!
I was slightly confused whether this introduction was your first story or just the introduction ha! I really enjoyed the way you introduced how the story would begin! It made me feel as if I was there myself. I personally love stories like the one you chose to recreate. It reminds me of a show I recently watched called, "Scarlet Heart Ryeo: Moon Lovers," it's a Korean drama. Not many people are into that sort of styled story, but I love older, traditional styled ones so yours intrigued me the further I read into it. I wish there was more explanation or even a footnote of what the Japanese terms mean, though you've provided a link to the original story, it slightly helps. Though I love how you introduced how the girl got to where she was, I'm intrigued to find out who and where she was prior to the past she has entered as well. I honestly can't wait to read more of your storybook and how you'll expand the characters! Good luck!
Great introduction! I am so excited to see how this story turns out! I won't worry about saying anything about grammar because it looks like it is all been said but I would like to reiterate how not knowing what some of the words you wrote meant made me dwell trying to figure out the meaning rather than enjoy the story. You do a good job of giving just enough detail but not enough to give away too much. I will be coming back to see how these stories go. I love the pictures that you have put in the story! It really helps with setting the scene! If you are needing to expand on anything then I would add my imagery. Like when she first wakes up you could say the first thing she saw was the trees being so large she could hardly see the skyline... poor example but I hope you catch my drift. Anyway, Great story and I can't wait to see where it goes. Good luck!
I really enjoyed reading your introduction, Ellie! You gave such great imagery and the visual theme really added to it- I felt like I was there! The beginning was slightly hard to read with the trees behind it, so I don't know if there is a way to make that image slightly more transparent or lighter to make it easier to read. Just a thought! Your opening line really caught my attention and I felt so badly for the character. I would have been freaked out too if I couldn't remember anything from the last months! I was also really intrigued that the wolf could talk because boy, did it sound scary! I loved your writing style that included the character's thoughts because it made me laugh when she realized the voice was indeed coming from the wolf. The only thing I had trouble with was understanding the Japanese words! I thought it was cool that you included the links to learn more about the origins of those words, but sometimes they did not come up very quickly and it was clumsy managing multiple tabs popping up and trying to read the story. I think it's a cool idea, but maybe there's a way to include a definitions section at the end. Overall, awesome job and I look forward to reading more of your story!
I enjoyed your introduction and the imagery quite well. At first I thought this was going to be in the suicide forest in Japan. I also like that you chose to put links for the definitions of the Japanese words. The forest background is great, but the font is a little hard to read in that section. Have you tried to preview it in bold or a larger size? I think the first story, “Hara” has a lot of potential. As you said, you are not sure about it yet. Often I could not figure out which character was the person speaking in the story. Also, in the second sentence Asahi says “When?” but I do not understand why. I like the character of the wolf and believe that he would be good to expand in this story. Once Asahi gets tied up and trapped in the tree, perhaps Noroshi could aid in saving her as opposed to Hoshihiko alone. I love the kimono on this page! I look forward to reading this story later in the semester!
I am back! I liked the 'Hara' chapter and I think your ideas for chapter titles is very clever. Does that mean Asahi will be in this time period for four seasons or not? I was wondering why Star Boy was not really suspicious of her and her modern wardrobe, but as they continued to talk, I assumed he is used to strange occurrences happening around the shrine (considering he might not be human since he leapt up the tree instead of climbing which would be an interesting twist).
I actually started reading Memoirs of a Geisha, and the women talk about how heavy a kimono actually is. I think this would enhance the fact she is from the future and does not fit in the time period; by mentioning all the layers a kimono has and how heavy it is.
There is also one thing I found that destroyed the illusion of her travelling to the past: the Star Boy’s dialogue. Today’s dialogue and historical dialogue do not match whatsoever. Historically, people did not conjugate their words and used grammar differently as well. I know this story is set in Japan, but for familiarities sake, Modern English is (surprisingly) during Shakespeare’s time (which was within 1564 to 1616) and the Tokugawa shogunate was during in 1600 to 1868.
Despite the talking wolf and mythological creatures in your story, I think if you worked on Star Boy’s dialogue to make it more dated then the story will run more fluidly.
Hey, Ellie! Since you’ve gotten plenty of feedback on your intro by now, I figured I’d focus on your Spring installment—and I really love the way you’ve decided to split the different episodes into seasons, by the way. I’m definitely curious to see how the story develops between seasons, and how you’re going to handle the time jumps.
Speaking of developing things between installments, I think you hit that balance really well with the beginning of this one—it felt like a Kripke-era SPN episode, where the MOTW/episode issue (in this case, tanuki) is balanced with subplots for the season arc (getting Asahi home, answering questions from the introduction) and planting for future episodes (the kitsune). That said, if you can find a way to make room, you might consider devoting more time to the tanuki thing. It almost felt like the whole thing was too fleeting to be the episode’s main conflict, and I think it’s going to require more in-story explanation instead of just the link; those are really helpful for Japanese terms in general, but because this was more significant than a greeting or a visual reference, it needs a little more attention. Maybe more details like the sentence about her red kimono becoming gold: that was really helpful for me, because up till that point, I’d been thinking the Other Asahi was a future version of MC or something, not a shapeshifter (probably because of the other timey-wimey elements in the story).
Anyways, I love how you’re juggling all these different plot threads and building up to something bigger, and the way the plot is already thickening so much is especially great. Looking forward to seeing where this goes, and nice job!
I love your story so far. I am not entirely sure what is going on quite yet but it is interesting. I love how her first concern is the phone- it really should not be, any sane person would be freaking out about where they were and how they got there first, but it is funny. On that note, I really only have one major critic. Shouldn't the girl be reacting far more in this situation. She seems to calm for what has happens to her. Does she just think she is dreaming, has it not caught up to her yet, or is she just naturally that nonchalant? I mean she meets a vicious wolf, and she does freak out a bit, but it is all kinda subdued and then she gets over it all full fast. Otherwise I love your story, you clearly have a idea that you are certain of. It is really well developed as far as I can tell. I can not wait to read more.
Hey, Ellie! I love the way that you're developing your story! I've read your intro before and I noticed that you have some more pictures now. I think you use the pictures well in telling your story. The use of your pictures helps me a lot in visualizing your story and making it come alive. Definitely keep doing this! As I finished your intro and began to read your first story, I kept wondering who this mysterious Hoshihiko was. Whoever he is, he seems like someone who has some authority, whether that be physical, spiritual, or both. From your first story, it also seems like he has some acute awareness about his surroundings, considering that he caught on to the Tanoki stealing Asahi's place. On that note, I just thought of something, what if the Tanoki stole Hoshihiko's place as well and is only fooling Asahi?? That is just a thought, but I love your story, keep up the great work!
The kimono is beautiful! Nice choice. Thank you for providing links as references! When I looked up tanuki, I was thrown off until I read that they were shapeshifters-- nice incorporation of that, by the way. I do like the main character-- they seem pretty calm for the most part, though sometimes I do wonder if she is reacting appropriating. I'd imagine someone might be more panicked in that situation-- this isn't critique, by the way! I just find it interesting how different she is and how most people would write an anxious character in the same scenario.
I like the other characters you have introduced; the man seems very calm and kind, so I have grown a liking to him. I really hope they do manage to find her home, but I also wonder how she even managed to get there.
Looking forward to the rest of the story! Keep it up.
Amazing as always! I choose this one specifically because I liked it so much from the first time I read it! Great idea on doing links for Japanese words that are not too popular! Even better than what I was thinking, that way we can do more reading on the unknown words. I like the background photo of the trees with the introduction. Really helps with setting the scene. I like how well thought out everything is! From the names to all the stories you are doing. I am glued to the story now and am excited to see what will come of Asahi. Will she be a warrior that will defeat something evil? Will she make it back home? There are so many possibilities! Like before, your story is phenomenal and I wish you would turn it into a book because I would read the heck out of it!
So many narrative enigmas set up! Your first-person perspective makes them more effective by giving us the bare details that the protagonist sees, coupled with the action with the wolf and the confrontation with the feudal man breaks the reveal pattern up so that it's not boring. Nice.
It's also creative that you incorporate links and images of various Japanicana and Japanese terms for those curious. The only two problems I have with images is the forest image as a background, which I'm not certain has those dimensions due to a formatting error or is on purpose, and the image of chonmage, which could use just one image of both the kuro mon-tsuki and chonmage to get both points across!
I'm not sure why there needs to be a distinction between narration and thoughts in this intro, since both are from his immediate first-person account.
Fifth paragraph: "what months ago?" What does this mean?
Overall, excellent work here. I'm intrigued in seeing where this story goes!
Haru:
Finally we know our characters more. I like how you chose their names, especially Hoshihiko, whose name I have already started doing research for... But I noticed you left out Noroshi. Where'd his name come from?
The encounter with the tanuki was nicely written, though it seems it was built as a device to instill a sense of trust from Asahi to Hoshihiko, after which little evidence of distrust was established in the previous paragraphs. If that is your intention then looking at some of Asahi's narration to rewrite might help your message.
There was a mention of not leaving the grounds of the palace for full protection, but it's not evident from the imagery how Asahi leaves the grounds.
A few more narrative enigmas, but I feel like you should start answering some questions soon. It's starting to become a little too much information to hold on to.
Overall, I still like where your storybook is going at this point, though that's based more in the introduction. I think some revisions relating to Asahi's emotional state at this point in the story will help keep readers invested, since you seem to want to keep secrets for a little bit longer. Keep up the good work.
The reader can definitely assume the two characters have grown somewhat closer, I would want to know how they have gotten closer. I think if you did a few sentences describing how they have spent time together that the relationship would be a little bit stronger. For example, knowing little things they have done together over the three weeks we have missed: talking, reading together, eating, debating, whatnot. I enjoyed Hoshihiko’s backstory; this allows him to cease being a one-sided character and allows the readers to relate to him. The dialogue between them is more realistic and it created the illusion that Asahi actually does not belong in this time. When Asahi could not remember her parents because of something ‘blocking’ her memory and then we get to see her take down an aobozu, I am really interested in the reveal of her backstory. I am really excited about how you will end the story as well, if she will stay or return to her own time.
Hey Ellie! First off I want to mention how blown away I was by the simple sentence on the first page “A modern girl in a forgotten world”. Something about it really made me stop and think about what that means before I went into reading your stories! In the intro I loved your use of italics, I could tell that she was in her own head at those moments and gave us an inside look. Oh, I want to know what happened to her! I loved how you incorporated the first story and brought references into the second one. I was surprised when you said “yes” when they boy asked if you could make him taller and smiled big when she set him on her shoulders! Such a simple thing in a world of magic makes the boy mesmerized! I loved reading your story and cannot wait for the next one!
Very cool story so far! I appreciate your attention to detail in setting and how you included links to explain certain specific elements without disrupting the story to explain in-text. It seems like you’ve written before, or maybe write as a hobby/as part of your major? If that’s the case, and you’re going to continue in the future, you might consider expanding your story into a novel or novella. You utilize several popular historical fiction tropes, which is a genre I’ve noticed is fairly popular right now. Or maybe you’ve written historical fiction before, and I’m just rambling on like an idiot!
I like the inclusion of the tanuki and mentions of a kitsune and yokai. It makes me want to press on in the story to see what else is in store for the main characters, since it feels like they could meet anyone or anything. I also like how you put time and effort into developing the two main characters’ relationship. That’s one of the major reasons I could see this being a full-length novel. Their relationship would be the thing that carries the plot, as well as the setting with all its strange creatures.
Wow, right away the home page grabbed my interest with the quote and picture. I was automatically wondering what this girl was going to endure, etc. The introduction was incredible! I love the way you set up the story so strongly. I was sitting on the edge of my seat when the girl was having no signal, searching for a way out, finding the wolf, and then being lunged at. You used strong descriptive words that made it that much better. Also, I love the choice of pictures, as it adds tremendously to your storybook. The first story had me a little bit confused on where the story was heading as far as the "larger picture" goes. I think I found myself lost in some of the Japanese terms, but ended up figuring it out. After reading your author's note it also makes much more sense, that helps a lot! For the second story, I decided to read your author's note first. It made much more sense to me after reading your note, and I really enjoyed the addition of this story. There's definitely never a dull moment for this girl! Overall, you're a very talented writer! I love the amount of dialogue that you used, and how you incorporated it in such a descriptive way. I absolutely love the cultural feel to this story, great job!
Ellie, your project is AMAZING! I really love it and I think you’re doing an amazing job so far! The layout is really good and the pictures you’ve used are fantastic. They really promote the visual side of your stories. I also really love that you have used a lot of terminology that most of your readers probably don’t know but you have incorporated the new terminology into your writing in such a smooth way that it was simple to read and understand the stories. I think you’ve separated the stories in a unique way that is easy to digest too. Each story being a separate season was a fun way to spread out your stories and really give a sense of the timeline. I thought your writing was really suspenseful and the stories are very well written. I honestly enjoyed reading the stories available so far and I’m excited to read the rest when they’re available. Side note… I really didn’t want to read your project when I first saw it a couple of weeks ago (no offense intended) because I thought it was going to be confusing. LOL. It really wasn’t at all though, so great job!
Nice job of writing your stories again, Ellie! I really enjoy your writing style and the way that you incorporate your dialogue while still giving story details of what's going on. I don't know why, but I seem to have a hard time doing that in my own writing lol. I also like how you use the pictures to develop your story and provide imagery for the sights. In the Natsu story, the differences that you draw between that fair and a modern fair are a good contrast. As you state in your story, the main character seems to remember certain things as she experiences events, but then forgets other details of her former life. It seems like she's under some sort of spell that didn't stop as she time traveled to this time period. I don't know if I'm on the right track with this, but is Hoshihiko possibly some evil spirit as well that brought her to his own time period???? On the subject of Hoshihiko, it also seems that the main character is beginning to fall for him. If my theory is correct then your ending could be very tragic indeed. Or it could be happy, in a mind-warping sort of way, I suppose. Seeing as how She keeps forgetting things but is entranced by the way Hoshihiko continues to care and support her. Maybe she might even willingly stay there with him since she enjoys his company and likes the adventures that he takes her on? Either way, I really look forward to how your story ends!
The exchange was soft and bittersweet between Hoshihiko and Asahi. I could almost hear the hitch in Asahi’s voice when I read her response to Hoshi telling her he was leaving for a while. It was nearly heart-wrenching when he said he needed to get used to Asahi’s absence. I wonder if her response will foreshadow if she will return to wherever/whenever she is originally from or if the mysterious Hoshi will find her in the future (if she does decide to go back). Very clever of Hoshi to play along with the old man when the man assumed they were married. Usually people are conservative and a man and a woman travelling together who are not married would be scandalous and cause issues if the spirit is in disguise. The spirit was very anticlimactic, but I am thinking this is not the grand finale of this chapter… Ah, the confrontation between the lovebirds. Cliffhanger, I am excited to see how you are going to end this story! Good luck!
Your storybook is by far my favorite! I love all the emotion that you pour into the story. When I first started reading it I knew that this was going to be good! And it turned out even better than expected! I love that you showed us the dialog between everyone. I feel like that gave so much more emotion then just a regular story would. there were a few more words in Japanese that I wouldn't have minded having a link to read more about them but it does not take away from the story. the amount of research you did really paid off! I am beyond impressed with the story!!! I made sure to read your story anytime we had a free read. I love this story more so because it was not completely about the love story, it could have been about the friendship that had grown too.
Wow, this was such a cool story and premise! I have to admit I was a little confused at first by the many Japanese terms that I wasn't really familiar with, but the links to the Wikipedia articles helped! I would have liked them to be explained more in the story so I wouldn't have to click a link every time, but it makes sense since the main characters would already know what these terms mean and having to explain them would be weird. I really like the pictures you picked! They all fit the story really well and are gorgeous! I wish you had more about the relationship between Asahi and Hoshihiko though that doesn't involve them trying to deal with a supernatural creature! I feel like we didn't see a lot of them just hanging out or talking. I am really happy she didn't kill him though! I agree that that would have been very out of character for her. Is there still going to be an epilogue? I want more of them together! I also wish we could have some point of view from the aunt too. I want to know how she feels about her niece's disappearance and what she's going through. Anyway, great job! I love the chapter names too! I think it really fits with the whole arc of the story, especially starting with spring (and new beginnings!).
It's nice that we're learning more about Hoshihiko's past. It's also nice to see two points in history colliding with Asahi's detection of differences in the festival.
Might want to clarify the hair-cutting scene in the beginning since, as it is written now, it has no purpose.
I feel like we could have had more time to get to know the boy and have more action with the aobozu. Both seemed to come and go without much of a purpose or impact.
Overall: Good scenery and some nice character progression here, though the aobozu scene and the hair-cutting scene need more significance. Keep up the good work.
AKI:
The season details are nice in this one. Especially in the ending with the transition form Fall to Winter.
It's a pleasure to see the relationship between our protagonists develop, though I'd like some elaboration on how they came to be like that, or maybe a sense of it in the previous story. It would also make the intriguing drama near the end of this story more impactful.
The tsurube-otoshi feels like an out-of-nowhere choice. What about the aobozu? Did that never happen?
Overall: There's shapes of a good impending conflict and ending, and your imagery is still enticing, but I believe more attention should be given to Asahi and Hoshihiko's relationship progression in this story and possibly the other stories to really sell the urgency. Nice write-up.
Hey Ellie! I just wanted to say that I loved your final conclusion to your storybook! I figured that Asahi would fall in love with Hoshihiko eventually. I think that Hoshihiko is my favorite character from your storybook. He is selfless and courageous without being too prideful. He's definitely a character that has good depth and is, in my opinion, a fan favorite for sure! I also thought it was super cool that you incorporated the kitsune into your story. I dont know much about kitsune, but if you've ever watched Naruto, then you would definitely see some parallels in the way that the "tailed beasts" are portrayed. Just like in your storybook, the "tailed beasts" grow stronger as their tails increase in number all the way up to nine tails. So, its intriguing to see how the kitsune in your final story appears to look very majestic and has tails that flow behind her as she moves. Anyway, I loved your storybook! I hope have a great rest of your semester!
Wow! You did really good at setting up your story. I like how you begin straight away with your protagonist finding herself or himself in the forest (I'd actually like to know if it is a female or male, so you could make that more clear). I have so many questions, which I am sure will be answered as you go through your storybook. I also have a few comments as I read through the story. I'm not sure what you mean when you say "what months ago" in the fifth paragraph. Perhaps this is just a typo? Does the phone not tell the date? I'm wondering what year this is supposed to be, since you mention a flip phone. This is meant to be set in Japan, so you could make that more clear early on. I really like how you made it clear that this is abnormal and that wolves do not belong here. It adds to the mystery of the whole situation. "I mean no harm" sounds a little too old fashioned for someone who also uses "nope." I would consider making it more natural and modern. Very cool making the wolf talk, as this adds to the mysterious element. It makes me wonder if this is not only set in the past but also in a supernatural kind of world where animals talk normally. I like how you brought in Japanese terms for your story. My only problem is is that I am unfamiliar with these terms and so it makes the story a little confusing when you bring up terms suddenly. You created really good suspense and you made me want to finish reading it. All in all, this is a really good introduction. It sets up the story nicely so that you can go on telling your story. I am curious to see where you go with this story and how you incorporate myths and folklores that we have read. I am assuming you are taking from Japanese myths, so I wonder what stories you are using to help create your story. I'm excited to see what you come up with!
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job at your story and really hooking the readers onto it right from the beginning. So it seems like this girl traveled back into the past somehow without realizing it. I just wonder how she managed to do that. You will obviously talk about that in your stories that you add on here in the future, I am just very curious about it. I am also very curious to see where this goes next. Does she stay there a while? Does she figure out how she got back? Does she ever manage to go back to her own time? How were the wolves able to talk to her like that? Who was the guy at the shrine? I was able to follow your story really well other than some of the words you used that I was not able to understand. I am really looking forward to what you do next with these myths and how this story goes ahead, well back in time for this one.
ReplyDeleteOoh, nice way to end it! I was interested from the very beginning and I was especially curious as to how the main character ended up in that situation. I do wonder why they couldn't see anything on their phone though except the battery life. It was nice knowing the character's thoughts because I could relate with the confusion. The Japanese words do throw me off though, since I don't know most of them-- so I was wondering if you were able to translate it or maybe add footnotes at the end so the readers can know?
ReplyDeleteI liked the ending! I'm not usually interested in stories where the character somehow gets thrown back in time, but the ending definitely made me intrigued.
"Adrenalin surged through my veins as I took two steps at a time, praying fervently for the safety of the shrine."
There is an e at the end of adrenaline.
Good job!
Ellie, terrific job of setting up your introduction! From the writing of your story i'm going to guess that this is a master, suspense, and/or thriller?? Either way, your build up is genius! In particular, I like how you don't give away too many details, but keep the reader wanting to read more in order to get all the juicy details.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that I could use the context clues in order to find out was the meaning of the Japanese words that you used. They were Japanese words correct? I don't know if you meant to write your story this way, but if you didn't then some translations would be bueno. Lol Other than that, I like how your story went from the protagonist waking up lost to not knowing where they are to having traveled back in time. You definitely left your story open to multiple interpretations and I think that's great, because it gives you so many options to explore with your future stories!
Ellie, I really enjoyed reading your introduction! I thought you did an excellent job allowing the reader to understand the thoughts of the main character as she tried to make it back home. The introduction was really suspenseful and hooked the reader immediately. I think it is interesting that you had the wolf talk. I guess it means that this man is somewhat powerful in terms of magical powers or something of that nature. I could really tell that you did some research involving Japanese culture. In terms of layout, I thought you did an excellent job choosing the images on your website. They really allowed me to picture where she was and it helped describe the setting of the story. Also, I liked how you played off of Of Monsters and Men when naming your Storybook. They are a great band! The only thing I would suggest is to maybe have a definition box at the bottom because I struggled knowing what all the Japanese items were. Just a thought! Overall, I thought you did a great job and I look forward to reading more of your storybook later this semester.
ReplyDeleteWhen I read your blurb, I immediately thought of the Spirited Away film by Hayao Miyasaki, the Outlander book/series by Diana Gabaldon and the Inuyasha manga/series by Rumiko Takahashi – basically a girl out of her time. I was excited to read your story just by your blurb!
ReplyDeleteI think you have a great idea and I like where you are taking the story. I am really interested how this modern girl is going to survive in this historic world.
I am going to state I do not like first person point of view and I think that is my only issue with the story. I personally find it hard to write in it and I believe it is hard for readers to relate to the actions of the characters. I know Laura will make a note of the comma splices in your story because she did the same with me. But how I used the comma splices were for writing style reasons – I think it is the same for you as well.
I laughed when the character said Shouganai - I did not know what it meant, but I assumed it was a curse word by how the character used it. I also noticed how you did not provide translations for the Japanese words, so I would provide a key at the bottom of the page telling the readers what specific words meant because not everyone is going to know about torii arches or Komainu,
I am interested on why the wolf can speak and why he was so protective of the shrine.
I am in love with the description of how the man’s eyes tightened, that imagery was great! I know how you were going to provide a surprise ending, but I do not think it was as smooth as it could be; however, I do think you are going in the right direction!
I look forward to reading more!
I was slightly confused whether this introduction was your first story or just the introduction ha! I really enjoyed the way you introduced how the story would begin! It made me feel as if I was there myself. I personally love stories like the one you chose to recreate. It reminds me of a show I recently watched called, "Scarlet Heart Ryeo: Moon Lovers," it's a Korean drama. Not many people are into that sort of styled story, but I love older, traditional styled ones so yours intrigued me the further I read into it. I wish there was more explanation or even a footnote of what the Japanese terms mean, though you've provided a link to the original story, it slightly helps. Though I love how you introduced how the girl got to where she was, I'm intrigued to find out who and where she was prior to the past she has entered as well. I honestly can't wait to read more of your storybook and how you'll expand the characters! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteGreat introduction! I am so excited to see how this story turns out! I won't worry about saying anything about grammar because it looks like it is all been said but I would like to reiterate how not knowing what some of the words you wrote meant made me dwell trying to figure out the meaning rather than enjoy the story. You do a good job of giving just enough detail but not enough to give away too much. I will be coming back to see how these stories go. I love the pictures that you have put in the story! It really helps with setting the scene! If you are needing to expand on anything then I would add my imagery. Like when she first wakes up you could say the first thing she saw was the trees being so large she could hardly see the skyline... poor example but I hope you catch my drift. Anyway, Great story and I can't wait to see where it goes. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your introduction, Ellie! You gave such great imagery and the visual theme really added to it- I felt like I was there! The beginning was slightly hard to read with the trees behind it, so I don't know if there is a way to make that image slightly more transparent or lighter to make it easier to read. Just a thought!
ReplyDeleteYour opening line really caught my attention and I felt so badly for the character. I would have been freaked out too if I couldn't remember anything from the last months! I was also really intrigued that the wolf could talk because boy, did it sound scary! I loved your writing style that included the character's thoughts because it made me laugh when she realized the voice was indeed coming from the wolf. The only thing I had trouble with was understanding the Japanese words! I thought it was cool that you included the links to learn more about the origins of those words, but sometimes they did not come up very quickly and it was clumsy managing multiple tabs popping up and trying to read the story. I think it's a cool idea, but maybe there's a way to include a definitions section at the end.
Overall, awesome job and I look forward to reading more of your story!
I enjoyed your introduction and the imagery quite well. At first I thought this was going to be in the suicide forest in Japan. I also like that you chose to put links for the definitions of the Japanese words. The forest background is great, but the font is a little hard to read in that section. Have you tried to preview it in bold or a larger size?
ReplyDeleteI think the first story, “Hara” has a lot of potential. As you said, you are not sure about it yet. Often I could not figure out which character was the person speaking in the story. Also, in the second sentence Asahi says “When?” but I do not understand why. I like the character of the wolf and believe that he would be good to expand in this story. Once Asahi gets tied up and trapped in the tree, perhaps Noroshi could aid in saving her as opposed to Hoshihiko alone. I love the kimono on this page! I look forward to reading this story later in the semester!
I am back! I liked the 'Hara' chapter and I think your ideas for chapter titles is very clever. Does that mean Asahi will be in this time period for four seasons or not? I was wondering why Star Boy was not really suspicious of her and her modern wardrobe, but as they continued to talk, I assumed he is used to strange occurrences happening around the shrine (considering he might not be human since he leapt up the tree instead of climbing which would be an interesting twist).
ReplyDeleteI actually started reading Memoirs of a Geisha, and the women talk about how heavy a kimono actually is. I think this would enhance the fact she is from the future and does not fit in the time period; by mentioning all the layers a kimono has and how heavy it is.
There is also one thing I found that destroyed the illusion of her travelling to the past: the Star Boy’s dialogue. Today’s dialogue and historical dialogue do not match whatsoever. Historically, people did not conjugate their words and used grammar differently as well. I know this story is set in Japan, but for familiarities sake, Modern English is (surprisingly) during Shakespeare’s time (which was within 1564 to 1616) and the Tokugawa shogunate was during in 1600 to 1868.
Despite the talking wolf and mythological creatures in your story, I think if you worked on Star Boy’s dialogue to make it more dated then the story will run more fluidly.
Well done!
Sorry for the long comment!
Hey, Ellie! Since you’ve gotten plenty of feedback on your intro by now, I figured I’d focus on your Spring installment—and I really love the way you’ve decided to split the different episodes into seasons, by the way. I’m definitely curious to see how the story develops between seasons, and how you’re going to handle the time jumps.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of developing things between installments, I think you hit that balance really well with the beginning of this one—it felt like a Kripke-era SPN episode, where the MOTW/episode issue (in this case, tanuki) is balanced with subplots for the season arc (getting Asahi home, answering questions from the introduction) and planting for future episodes (the kitsune). That said, if you can find a way to make room, you might consider devoting more time to the tanuki thing. It almost felt like the whole thing was too fleeting to be the episode’s main conflict, and I think it’s going to require more in-story explanation instead of just the link; those are really helpful for Japanese terms in general, but because this was more significant than a greeting or a visual reference, it needs a little more attention. Maybe more details like the sentence about her red kimono becoming gold: that was really helpful for me, because up till that point, I’d been thinking the Other Asahi was a future version of MC or something, not a shapeshifter (probably because of the other timey-wimey elements in the story).
Anyways, I love how you’re juggling all these different plot threads and building up to something bigger, and the way the plot is already thickening so much is especially great. Looking forward to seeing where this goes, and nice job!
I love your story so far. I am not entirely sure what is going on quite yet but it is interesting. I love how her first concern is the phone- it really should not be, any sane person would be freaking out about where they were and how they got there first, but it is funny. On that note, I really only have one major critic. Shouldn't the girl be reacting far more in this situation. She seems to calm for what has happens to her. Does she just think she is dreaming, has it not caught up to her yet, or is she just naturally that nonchalant? I mean she meets a vicious wolf, and she does freak out a bit, but it is all kinda subdued and then she gets over it all full fast. Otherwise I love your story, you clearly have a idea that you are certain of. It is really well developed as far as I can tell. I can not wait to read more.
ReplyDeleteHey, Ellie! I love the way that you're developing your story! I've read your intro before and I noticed that you have some more pictures now. I think you use the pictures well in telling your story. The use of your pictures helps me a lot in visualizing your story and making it come alive. Definitely keep doing this!
ReplyDeleteAs I finished your intro and began to read your first story, I kept wondering who this mysterious Hoshihiko was. Whoever he is, he seems like someone who has some authority, whether that be physical, spiritual, or both. From your first story, it also seems like he has some acute awareness about his surroundings, considering that he caught on to the Tanoki stealing Asahi's place. On that note, I just thought of something, what if the Tanoki stole Hoshihiko's place as well and is only fooling Asahi?? That is just a thought, but I love your story, keep up the great work!
Hello again :)
ReplyDeleteThe kimono is beautiful! Nice choice. Thank you for providing links as references! When I looked up tanuki, I was thrown off until I read that they were shapeshifters-- nice incorporation of that, by the way. I do like the main character-- they seem pretty calm for the most part, though sometimes I do wonder if she is reacting appropriating. I'd imagine someone might be more panicked in that situation-- this isn't critique, by the way! I just find it interesting how different she is and how most people would write an anxious character in the same scenario.
I like the other characters you have introduced; the man seems very calm and kind, so I have grown a liking to him. I really hope they do manage to find her home, but I also wonder how she even managed to get there.
Looking forward to the rest of the story! Keep it up.
Amazing as always! I choose this one specifically because I liked it so much from the first time I read it! Great idea on doing links for Japanese words that are not too popular! Even better than what I was thinking, that way we can do more reading on the unknown words. I like the background photo of the trees with the introduction. Really helps with setting the scene. I like how well thought out everything is! From the names to all the stories you are doing. I am glued to the story now and am excited to see what will come of Asahi. Will she be a warrior that will defeat something evil? Will she make it back home? There are so many possibilities! Like before, your story is phenomenal and I wish you would turn it into a book because I would read the heck out of it!
ReplyDeleteIntroduction:
ReplyDeleteSo many narrative enigmas set up! Your first-person perspective makes them more effective by giving us the bare details that the protagonist sees, coupled with the action with the wolf and the confrontation with the feudal man breaks the reveal pattern up so that it's not boring. Nice.
It's also creative that you incorporate links and images of various Japanicana and Japanese terms for those curious. The only two problems I have with images is the forest image as a background, which I'm not certain has those dimensions due to a formatting error or is on purpose, and the image of chonmage, which could use just one image of both the kuro mon-tsuki and chonmage to get both points across!
I'm not sure why there needs to be a distinction between narration and thoughts in this intro, since both are from his immediate first-person account.
Fifth paragraph: "what months ago?" What does this mean?
Overall, excellent work here. I'm intrigued in seeing where this story goes!
Haru:
Finally we know our characters more. I like how you chose their names, especially Hoshihiko, whose name I have already started doing research for... But I noticed you left out Noroshi. Where'd his name come from?
The encounter with the tanuki was nicely written, though it seems it was built as a device to instill a sense of trust from Asahi to Hoshihiko, after which little evidence of distrust was established in the previous paragraphs. If that is your intention then looking at some of Asahi's narration to rewrite might help your message.
There was a mention of not leaving the grounds of the palace for full protection, but it's not evident from the imagery how Asahi leaves the grounds.
A few more narrative enigmas, but I feel like you should start answering some questions soon. It's starting to become a little too much information to hold on to.
Overall, I still like where your storybook is going at this point, though that's based more in the introduction. I think some revisions relating to Asahi's emotional state at this point in the story will help keep readers invested, since you seem to want to keep secrets for a little bit longer. Keep up the good work.
The reader can definitely assume the two characters have grown somewhat closer, I would want to know how they have gotten closer. I think if you did a few sentences describing how they have spent time together that the relationship would be a little bit stronger. For example, knowing little things they have done together over the three weeks we have missed: talking, reading together, eating, debating, whatnot.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed Hoshihiko’s backstory; this allows him to cease being a one-sided character and allows the readers to relate to him.
The dialogue between them is more realistic and it created the illusion that Asahi actually does not belong in this time.
When Asahi could not remember her parents because of something ‘blocking’ her memory and then we get to see her take down an aobozu, I am really interested in the reveal of her backstory. I am really excited about how you will end the story as well, if she will stay or return to her own time.
Hey Ellie!
ReplyDeleteFirst off I want to mention how blown away I was by the simple sentence on the first page “A modern girl in a forgotten world”. Something about it really made me stop and think about what that means before I went into reading your stories! In the intro I loved your use of italics, I could tell that she was in her own head at those moments and gave us an inside look. Oh, I want to know what happened to her! I loved how you incorporated the first story and brought references into the second one. I was surprised when you said “yes” when they boy asked if you could make him taller and smiled big when she set him on her shoulders! Such a simple thing in a world of magic makes the boy mesmerized! I loved reading your story and cannot wait for the next one!
Very cool story so far! I appreciate your attention to detail in setting and how you included links to explain certain specific elements without disrupting the story to explain in-text. It seems like you’ve written before, or maybe write as a hobby/as part of your major? If that’s the case, and you’re going to continue in the future, you might consider expanding your story into a novel or novella. You utilize several popular historical fiction tropes, which is a genre I’ve noticed is fairly popular right now. Or maybe you’ve written historical fiction before, and I’m just rambling on like an idiot!
ReplyDeleteI like the inclusion of the tanuki and mentions of a kitsune and yokai. It makes me want to press on in the story to see what else is in store for the main characters, since it feels like they could meet anyone or anything. I also like how you put time and effort into developing the two main characters’ relationship. That’s one of the major reasons I could see this being a full-length novel. Their relationship would be the thing that carries the plot, as well as the setting with all its strange creatures.
Again, great story! I can’t wait to read more.
Wow, right away the home page grabbed my interest with the quote and picture. I was automatically wondering what this girl was going to endure, etc.
ReplyDeleteThe introduction was incredible! I love the way you set up the story so strongly. I was sitting on the edge of my seat when the girl was having no signal, searching for a way out, finding the wolf, and then being lunged at. You used strong descriptive words that made it that much better. Also, I love the choice of pictures, as it adds tremendously to your storybook.
The first story had me a little bit confused on where the story was heading as far as the "larger picture" goes. I think I found myself lost in some of the Japanese terms, but ended up figuring it out. After reading your author's note it also makes much more sense, that helps a lot!
For the second story, I decided to read your author's note first. It made much more sense to me after reading your note, and I really enjoyed the addition of this story. There's definitely never a dull moment for this girl!
Overall, you're a very talented writer! I love the amount of dialogue that you used, and how you incorporated it in such a descriptive way.
I absolutely love the cultural feel to this story, great job!
Ellie, your project is AMAZING! I really love it and I think you’re doing an amazing job so far! The layout is really good and the pictures you’ve used are fantastic. They really promote the visual side of your stories. I also really love that you have used a lot of terminology that most of your readers probably don’t know but you have incorporated the new terminology into your writing in such a smooth way that it was simple to read and understand the stories.
ReplyDeleteI think you’ve separated the stories in a unique way that is easy to digest too. Each story being a separate season was a fun way to spread out your stories and really give a sense of the timeline. I thought your writing was really suspenseful and the stories are very well written. I honestly enjoyed reading the stories available so far and I’m excited to read the rest when they’re available. Side note… I really didn’t want to read your project when I first saw it a couple of weeks ago (no offense intended) because I thought it was going to be confusing. LOL. It really wasn’t at all though, so great job!
Nice job of writing your stories again, Ellie! I really enjoy your writing style and the way that you incorporate your dialogue while still giving story details of what's going on. I don't know why, but I seem to have a hard time doing that in my own writing lol. I also like how you use the pictures to develop your story and provide imagery for the sights.
ReplyDeleteIn the Natsu story, the differences that you draw between that fair and a modern fair are a good contrast. As you state in your story, the main character seems to remember certain things as she experiences events, but then forgets other details of her former life. It seems like she's under some sort of spell that didn't stop as she time traveled to this time period. I don't know if I'm on the right track with this, but is Hoshihiko possibly some evil spirit as well that brought her to his own time period????
On the subject of Hoshihiko, it also seems that the main character is beginning to fall for him. If my theory is correct then your ending could be very tragic indeed. Or it could be happy, in a mind-warping sort of way, I suppose. Seeing as how She keeps forgetting things but is entranced by the way Hoshihiko continues to care and support her. Maybe she might even willingly stay there with him since she enjoys his company and likes the adventures that he takes her on? Either way, I really look forward to how your story ends!
The exchange was soft and bittersweet between Hoshihiko and Asahi. I could almost hear the hitch in Asahi’s voice when I read her response to Hoshi telling her he was leaving for a while. It was nearly heart-wrenching when he said he needed to get used to Asahi’s absence. I wonder if her response will foreshadow if she will return to wherever/whenever she is originally from or if the mysterious Hoshi will find her in the future (if she does decide to go back).
ReplyDeleteVery clever of Hoshi to play along with the old man when the man assumed they were married. Usually people are conservative and a man and a woman travelling together who are not married would be scandalous and cause issues if the spirit is in disguise.
The spirit was very anticlimactic, but I am thinking this is not the grand finale of this chapter… Ah, the confrontation between the lovebirds.
Cliffhanger, I am excited to see how you are going to end this story! Good luck!
Your storybook is by far my favorite! I love all the emotion that you pour into the story. When I first started reading it I knew that this was going to be good! And it turned out even better than expected! I love that you showed us the dialog between everyone. I feel like that gave so much more emotion then just a regular story would. there were a few more words in Japanese that I wouldn't have minded having a link to read more about them but it does not take away from the story. the amount of research you did really paid off! I am beyond impressed with the story!!! I made sure to read your story anytime we had a free read. I love this story more so because it was not completely about the love story, it could have been about the friendship that had grown too.
ReplyDeleteWow, this was such a cool story and premise! I have to admit I was a little confused at first by the many Japanese terms that I wasn't really familiar with, but the links to the Wikipedia articles helped! I would have liked them to be explained more in the story so I wouldn't have to click a link every time, but it makes sense since the main characters would already know what these terms mean and having to explain them would be weird. I really like the pictures you picked! They all fit the story really well and are gorgeous! I wish you had more about the relationship between Asahi and Hoshihiko though that doesn't involve them trying to deal with a supernatural creature! I feel like we didn't see a lot of them just hanging out or talking. I am really happy she didn't kill him though! I agree that that would have been very out of character for her. Is there still going to be an epilogue? I want more of them together! I also wish we could have some point of view from the aunt too. I want to know how she feels about her niece's disappearance and what she's going through. Anyway, great job! I love the chapter names too! I think it really fits with the whole arc of the story, especially starting with spring (and new beginnings!).
ReplyDeleteNATSU:
ReplyDeleteIt's nice that we're learning more about Hoshihiko's past. It's also nice to see two points in history colliding with Asahi's detection of differences in the festival.
Might want to clarify the hair-cutting scene in the beginning since, as it is written now, it has no purpose.
I feel like we could have had more time to get to know the boy and have more action with the aobozu. Both seemed to come and go without much of a purpose or impact.
Overall: Good scenery and some nice character progression here, though the aobozu scene and the hair-cutting scene need more significance. Keep up the good work.
AKI:
The season details are nice in this one. Especially in the ending with the transition form Fall to Winter.
It's a pleasure to see the relationship between our protagonists develop, though I'd like some elaboration on how they came to be like that, or maybe a sense of it in the previous story. It would also make the intriguing drama near the end of this story more impactful.
The tsurube-otoshi feels like an out-of-nowhere choice. What about the aobozu? Did that never happen?
Overall: There's shapes of a good impending conflict and ending, and your imagery is still enticing, but I believe more attention should be given to Asahi and Hoshihiko's relationship progression in this story and possibly the other stories to really sell the urgency. Nice write-up.
Hey Ellie! I just wanted to say that I loved your final conclusion to your storybook! I figured that Asahi would fall in love with Hoshihiko eventually. I think that Hoshihiko is my favorite character from your storybook. He is selfless and courageous without being too prideful. He's definitely a character that has good depth and is, in my opinion, a fan favorite for sure!
ReplyDeleteI also thought it was super cool that you incorporated the kitsune into your story. I dont know much about kitsune, but if you've ever watched Naruto, then you would definitely see some parallels in the way that the "tailed beasts" are portrayed. Just like in your storybook, the "tailed beasts" grow stronger as their tails increase in number all the way up to nine tails. So, its intriguing to see how the kitsune in your final story appears to look very majestic and has tails that flow behind her as she moves. Anyway, I loved your storybook! I hope have a great rest of your semester!